WHEN YOUR HUSBAND BECOMES YOUR CRITIC

1. The Ideal

A person who is under authority submits to the will of the leader. Unity in thought, purpose, and effort is achieved only as one leads out and the other submits to the leading. Together, as one, they work in cooperation doing what is now the will of both. There is no conflict, no occasion for criticism. This is the God-designed ideal in which husbands and wives are meant to relate within marriage (I Corinthians 11:3).

The natural advantages of this ideal can be viewed functioning in the world through such examples as the coordinated actions of the human body responding to the will of the brain, soldiers complying with their regimental leader in battle, and so forth. The principle is a tactic of order, and in direct opposition to chaos.

2. The Reality

From universal personal experience, we know that criticism can make the critical person seem unsafe to the recipient. It can be so distressing that it often makes it hard to perform at our best around the critic thereafter. And how much more so when that person is someone whose view of us is so vitally important to our existence, like our husbands!

During courtship, most people instinctively understand that unconditional love is the Holy Grail that all are seeking in a mate. (Never mind that unconditional love can only be found in Christ). We instinctively know better than to threaten the relationship with criticism during this period. Unfortunately, after marriage, the growing familiarity causes our inherent differences to become glaringly obvious. As the infatuation wears off, the verbal observation of these differences (i.e., “faults”) appears to constitute an immediate threat to the bond of attachment that we so desperately desire to preserve with our mate.

For this reason, the earliest period of a marriage - that time between the cooling of the “crush” and the building of real love through an investment of self - is when many marriages fail. Unless either mate’s criticism is delivered with considerable tact and restraint (probably much more the exception than the rule), most spouses experience painful feelings of withdrawn love, validation, and support. For wives in particular, the negative emotions of a prickled pride and the more subtle fear of abandonment make it very difficult for them to listen objectively to their husband’s remarks, calmly appraise them, and respond with all the strength of an “Iron Lady” Margaret Thatcher.

In addition, as sinfully self-centered humans, criticism, even well-intentioned criticism, is usually understood to be a direct assault on the ego, so it’s only normal to react far more emotionally than rationally. The unconditional love, which we all thought we would be receiving when we married, is now seemingly withdrawn, and thus our ability to return to an affectionate state has been undermined. For these reasons, criticism triggers an emotional sorrow akin to the loss of something particularly treasured, as in a death, so naturally it results in a painful grief.

Our self-love much prefers praise, which is often taken to be an expression of love; but all-in-all, neither praise nor criticism are genuine signs of love as it is defined in the embroidery on a pillow I once saw: “Love (luhv) (noun) A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; an ineffable feeling of warn personal attachment.” Service, loyalty, respect, nurture, and sharing are all markers of real love; praise and criticism are not.

It is important to note that a critical husband doesn’t usually engage his wife with malice aforethought. It is likely that his behavior, offensive as it may be, represents little more than his single-minded striving to get his own wants and needs met, thus, leaving him oblivious to its possible impact on their spouse. If a wife is honest though, she must confess that she is often like this, too. A selfish will is the hallmark of all humanity’s sin nature, so she can’t “throw any rocks around in her own glass house” - -

3. The Wife:

In truth, unless a woman marries herself, this little “death” of unconditional love is inevitable. All a godly wife can do in the face of her husband’s criticism is to battle the tendency toward bitterness, counter any reciprocal critical thoughts about him, and try to accept his “help” at face value. The Lord wants us to gain more than just an intuitive understanding of the value of humility and the danger of pride. Therefore, it may be that through our mate’s criticism, we may actually be viewing Him at work perfecting us. As I say this, I am reminded of my pastor’s extremely apt “rock polisher” metaphor for marriage, wherein the couple are the crude stones to be polished into gems, the added sandy grit represents the annoyances common to life, and the lubricating water is the Holy Spirit. All the parts mix and abraise each other in a polishing process that ultimately produces glowing jewels instead of rough rocks.

With this in mind as a metaphor for the process of spiritual growth, ask the Lord to help you take your eyes off the offense of the criticism and focus on the real markers of your husband's love, such as his provision for you, his enjoyment of your company, the fact that he considers your input seriously, etc. These are the true signposts of love.

4. The Husband:

As for the critical husband, he should know that the love he shows his wife needs to include a respect for her that understands that, as his wife, she is not him, nor an extension of him, or even some product that he ultimately needs to produce in conformation with himself. In a loving relationship, both mates need to understand that they are and will remain unique individuals, and they must learn how to mesh their desires with each other. A husband should be very circumspect in his criticism because those little “wins” will set back his wife’s affection for him and, therefore, her attachment to him - - something he dearly needs, too, because marriage is for a lifetime.

A man must also understand that experience is always the best teacher and that his wife will learn just as much from her mistakes, as he does from his.

5. The Couple:

If either mate seeks any modification that will assist in improved personal development, the other mate should embrace it without pride. It’s a win-win for the partnership because of the growth and the strengthened commitment that comes through cooperation and taking each other’s counsel gracefully.

It should also be noted that between Christian spouses, both husband and wife would do well to forever release the need to defend themselves. In their persons, God has created two bright and beautiful people. No defense is necessary because mere words cannot subtract from the truth of the goodness He has vested in each of His people.

COMMANDMENT 2 - IMAGES OF GOD

Exodus 20:4 “You shall make for yourself no idol in the likeness of anything in the heavens above, or on the earth below, or in the waters under the earth.”

• Visual representations of the Godhead prevent us from worshiping the true God according to His own revelation of Himself, but instead, offer a god of human devising.

The Lord has pointedly forbidden His people to make physical representations of Himself. Why do you think this might be?

Quite obviously, our Creator is so unimaginably greater than His creation that any attempt to project a representation of Him will fall woefully short. He is just too fierce, too immense, too magnificent, too powerful, and so infinitely beyond every superlative conceivable, to be truthfully conveyed through images wrought by human hands. In short, God does not desire images to represent Him because, by the very limitations of their nature, they will convey misleading information, i.e., a lie, about Him.

• In a maneuver parallel to the actions of Adam and Eve, the image-user is making a subtle attempt to level the differences between himself and his Creator.

Another solid reason behind the Second Commandment is the Lord’s penetrating understanding of the flesh's subtle intent to usurp lurking behind the use of images. His Word has revealed that the human heart is “deceptive above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9), and certainly the person to whom it lies most avidly is itself. This is surely the reason that many Christians are so blind to the sinful nature of their impulse to produce such images. Nevertheless, the intent is very similar in form and quality to humankind’s first rebellion against God.

By accepting the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve sought to acquire an enhanced knowledge that would enable them become on par with God (Gen. 3:5 “. . . you will become like God.”). They were willing to disobey Him in their attempt to elevate themselves to a standing commensurate with His. In the same way, the creation of a tangible representation of God can be viewed as humanity making another vain effort to level the differences between itself and God. Also, one can’t fail to notice the inappropriate role reversal, wherein man, made in God’s image, attempts to make God in his own image.

We excuse this practice as it appears in books, statues, paintings, and so forth, because it is more comfortable for us to have something of a tangible nature, something more common to our earthly experience, that we can identify as God. These representations feel justified to us because they seem to make Him more easily fathomed. Yet such representations are not only false, they are a subtle effort seeking to redress the power gap between creature and Creator. When viewed this way, it becomes easy to see why the Lord would call it sin and forbid the practice.

• What about depictions of Jesus and the Holy Spirit?

Let’s continue to expand our thinking about the Second Commandment by considering a few more questions. “Do you think the prohibition was meant apply to all the members of the Godhead?” and “Did God intend this ban to include images of His messianic incarnation?” Perhaps we should also follow these questions with, “Why would, or wouldn’t, it?”

As part of the Triune God, Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit are also far above all created beings. Their artistic representation as any created being would massively fail to display Their true reality. Yet despite the dishonor implicit in these images, we wink at the overt disobedience of the second commandment when it comes to creating, harboring, and often displaying supposed representations of Jesus, Who is God.

Concerning His incarnation, the Lord selected a time in which no image would be produced for posterity. Palestine was too impoverished for paintings and sculptures except among the very wealthy, and the man, Jesus, was a humble carpenter. Photography was non-existent. The little we know about Messiah’s appearance can be found in Isaiah 53:2b (“He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him, nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him.”), which tells us that Jesus had an ordinary appearance with nothing particularly attractive about Him physically. He was a man to be appreciated by the soul, not the eye.

Perhaps also contributing to His general purpose of physical anonymity of the Messiah, God chose to make His appearing at the navel of the earth, the land of Judea. Judea was historically an international crossroad, where all races and cultures seemed to transit, and where the full color-spectrum of human flesh could, and was, seen daily. God did this in wisdom so that all peoples could envision their Savior, Jesus, as someone with whom they could physically identify. It was His intention that there be no off-putting “Jesus” in a blond pageboy looking like “the white man’s god,” nor any “Samurai Jesus,” or “Black Jesus” to confound the sons of Japheth (the Europeans).

• Knowing man’s nature, God wanted to remove any barriers to the acceptance of His Son.

Representations of Christ have been the devil’s work from the beginning because it is his nature to deal in lies. It has always been his evil intention to alienate the hearts of people from the Savior, and what better way than to produce a substitute image that is both remote and two-dimensional? Even the use of an actor, a sinful human like all others, to portray the Christ is not appropriate. Through illustration alone, the evil one has enjoyed a season of particular success in the area of children’s Bibles and Bible stories because of the many opportunities they offer to trivialize Christ.

Within Christian children’s books, Jesus is depicted as a slightly feminine-looking man in strange clothing. At best, He is merely a storybook figure. At worst, as in The Comic Book Bible (“Updated and repackaged with a great new cover, The Comic Book Bible is filled with clever, comic-style illustrations” per Amazon), He’s competing for awe and attention among a pantheon of other available comic superheroes, many with noticeably cooler get-ups. These publications for children aren’t respectful, honoring, or holy in the way they diminish His glory, and they cause Him to appear as a subject of fiction, instead of the true God working in real history.

• Our children don’t receive the message that Jesus is Immanuel, “God With Us.”

Upon reaching young adulthood, children put away belief in Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, witches, and trolls. Should it surprise us how often our young people also put away, as fantasy, their belief in the Son of God? The diminished version of Him in popular print makes it easier to put Him aside and, ultimately, becomes a stumbling block to faith. Whenever there is a stone to stumble, one either falls, or turns away to avoid it.

I say these things not to condemn, but to point out that we need to think carefully; constantly questioning all that the common culture presses upon us. It is my desire to provoke deeper thinking and a more intentional application of the Word to real life. You may not come to the same conclusions I have drawn, but we will always have fellowship together in Him and respect each other’s relationship with the Holy Spirit.

I know, too, that the Hound of Heaven will find any He determines to seek, images or no. I only pose that through obedience to the Lord’s second commandment, we can render Him worship and prevent our lives from hindering those He would call.

Blessings to all of my dear readers throughout the world ~

HOMESCHOOL: More thoughts

Additional thoughts to March 5, 2010 post:

1. Common sense should tell us that socialization concerns are a straw man. Homeschooled children are generally much more appropriately socialized because they are socialized by adults, not other unsocialized children. I've watched the development of many from birth to adulthood/marriage/and children, and will testify to this emphatically. I also have reams of firsthand experience with my own children's social development.

2. The current trend to use video instruction seems very negative to me because it circumvents personal parent-child interaction, one of the premier advantages to homeschooling.

3. My husband and I never took money from the public school system, though offered, nor allowed them to monitor us because we do not believe their "in loco parentis" stance to be Biblical. It is not the Lord's intention for anyone to take the place of the parents.

4. Homeschool is very inexpensivie. I bought texts for kindergarten through 6th grade for around $600. It's probably 3 times that by now, or more, but one year of private school can easily cost from $3,000 - $18,000 per year.

5. I recommend ordering the Calvert School kindergarten curriculum, because it's like Christmas in a box. We used their craft supplies for over 10 years! They were plentiful and very high quality.

6. We tested every year to keep the relatives mollified, but this may not be necessary now that there is greater public acceptance. When our final two entered Kings Academy as 8th & 9th graders, they tested at college level.

7. I would be happy to demonstrate how I structured the morning to accommodate all ages. It's a lot easier than it sounds, and the instruction time only ran about 4 hours. The remainder of the day after lunch was free!

Though the above may sound like it (and I did absolutely love homeschooling and the way it impacted my sons), I don't think it is the only way to go. I will pray for you as you deliberate over the educations choices for your children and would be happy to answer any questions you may have.

FAMILY READ-ALOUD BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS

Our family benefited tremendously from daily times of reading aloud. Naturally, we read many, many toddler and early childhood books to the boys, but when our oldest was around age six, we began reading “real” books to them as a family. It’s surprising how much even the youngest can apprehend.

Our sons would huddle together on the couch next to us or lounge on our bed alongside of us to listen; later, as the boys grew older, they would just range on floor at our feet or on chairs nearby. The familial closeness fostered and the intellectual growth were major contributors to the men they are now. (Haha - One of our sons recently mentioned to me that he still misses those times and would probably come over every night if we started reading aloud again!)

I can’t recommend the practice highly enough and would like to share our recommendations for books that your family might enjoy, so here they are in no particular order:

Most loved:

The Little House on the Prairie (whole series) by Laura Ingalls Wilder

The complete Narnia series by C. S. Lewis

Little Britches; Man of the Family; The Fields of Home by Ralph Moody

The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster

James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl

Walk Across America; The Walk West by Peter Jenkins

Gifted Hands by Ben Carson

The Prince and the Pauper; Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

Little Women; Eight Cousins; Rose in Bloom by Louisa May Alcott

Black Beauty by Anna Sewell

The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom

The Wheel on the School by Meindart Dejong

King Solomon’s Mines by H. Ryder Haggard

Out of the Silent Planet; Perelandra by C. S. Lewis

Liked:

Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan

Calvin & Hobbs (all) by Bill Watterson (cartoons)

The Great Divorce by C. S. Lewis

The House of Many Fathers by Meindart Dejong

White Fang by Jack London (Jr. High level)

Bobsey Twins series by Laura Lee Hope (suitable for age five)

O’Henry stories (any)

Sherlock Holmes series of stories

KIND WORDS

Kind words are like honey - enjoyable and healthful.  Proverbs 16:24

Father,

With all of the sharpness and tartness in today's world, help my words to be words like honey. May they be sweet and honest. May I commend and bless in such a way that the results are enjoyable and healthful.

Cause me to realize, Lord, that kind words are not always words that sound kind. Sometimes kind words reprimand, while at other times they are a soft

disagreement.

May I understand that kind words must come out of a heart that has kindness in it. Give me the right kind of kindness in my heart to put forth the right kind of words.

In Jesus name,

Amen

REFLECTIONS ON HUMILITY

Humility, best described as the absence of personal pride, is hard to measure empirically. The problem is, of course, that once someone takes up the label, mightn’t they be proud in their claim to be a humble person?

Most virtues are typically considered to be a character strength that many desire to possess; yet humility doesn’t seem to get the same respect as the other virtues. To the contrary, pride, the polar opposite of humility, seems to be morphing into a modern virtue, e.g., “We’re No. 1!”; “Gay Pride”; “American Idol”; “keeping-up with the Jones” and surpassing them; or the ultimate Joe Kennedy quote, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser;” etc.

It appears that the lack of respect for the quality of humility is due to the nature of our Fall, wherein mankind pridefully sought to “be like God” (Gen. 3:5). That same pride continues to lurk within our nature; yet our magnificent God righteously brooks no rivals. It is for this reason that we find that our God prizes a humble-heart and that humility is uniquely valued within Christianity.

Have you noticed that all other religions regard humility as demeaning? At best, it’s a mere rung on the ladder to higher enlightenment and honor, as in Buddhism. Yet, Jesus washed His disciples’ filthy feet to show how much He valued service and to reflect the depth of the humility to which His people are called. He demonstrated that humility and service are honorable and do not signify a loss of dignity. To God, humility is the destination, not the path. A humble spirit brings us into alignment with our proper place in creation, so in the Lord’s eyes, it is the essence of moral piety.

As you know, it is a Christian’s imperative to be like Christ, so a follower of Jesus will recognize the following truths and live by them:

•  Humility is the proper attitude of a creature toward its Creator.

 •  Humility recognizes dependence upon God.

•  Humility demonstrates a consciousness of sin and recognizes the moral gulf between the Lord and us.

To clarify, a humble person isn’t necessarily self-deprecating, but rather, someone who is more realistic in how they perceive themselves and more accurate in the way they present themselves to others. Those who prize humility as a virtue also tend to be more helpful than those who are less humble. Other people do matter, and we can matter more to others if we matter less to ourselves. As the Word says, "In humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4).

In opposition to humility, pride, said to be the root of all sin, exists in the human heart and engages mankind in a continual battle. Pride is the very apex of insolence toward God; therefore, a life that lacks humility of heart reflects the primary indicator of another "god" in that life. (The self, perhaps?) Since a humble heart does not trust in its own power and resources, it is the essence of devotion to the Lord. 

Though it seems paradoxical, it isn’t possible to offer God true worship without humility; yet without worshipping Him, we cannot be humble.

Scripture Sources:

Romans 12:10: Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

James 4:10: Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

I Peter 5:5-6: Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

Isaiah 13:11: I will also put an end to the arrogance of the proud.


“REVERENCE HER HUSBAND” Eph. 5:33

“This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let  . . . the wife see that she reverence her husband.” Ephesians 5:32-33

The Lord desires to demonstrate His relationship to the Church through the medium of Christian marriage, intending it to be a working scale model for all heaven and earth to observe. Paul calls this a “great mystery,” but illumines the concept further when the Holy Spirit leads him to add, “let the wife see that she reverence her husband.” Thus, a wife who shows respect and esteem for her husband will be exhibiting the final hallmark of one who desires to model a testimony of truth concerning the Church and the Lord Jesus.

In the context of the marriage analogy, this imperative does not appear to pivot upon the husband’s worthiness, but upon the honor due the office of husband as it parallels Christ’s relationship to His Bride, the Church. Therefore, a wife’s attitude and acts of respect for her husband are to be purposeful acts of her will that are not based upon her feelings for him or the performance of his role. In actuality, She is reverencing the Lord by obeying His command and, thus, making the respect shown to her husband an act of worship offered to God.

Setting the spiritual dimension aside for a moment, notice that the Lord is also offering some practical counsel to wives. Feelings of being undervalued and disrespected are a significant reason many men seek sex outside their marriage through extra-marital affairs, etc.* In a recent article published in Britain, one researcher had this to say about these matters: “Many men are not finding acceptance in their conventional monogamous relationships, and so these men become emotionally unconnected to their unsuspecting spouse and children. They seek a temporary high, a connection and an escape from reality in Gentlemen's Clubs, etc., or serial affairs.”*

In short, many husbands don’t feel respected (reverenced) at home, so they buy a substitute woman who is welcoming, undemanding, and accepting. (It is also not unusual for this same acceptance to be found for free among those women husbands encounter through the work place.) Christian women should not be surprised by these revelations when God, knowing the strong need men have to feel valued, has shown wives the remedy: “let the wife see that she reverence her husband.” Eph. 5:32.

So, if you truly want to speak love to your husband in a language that he can understand, speak it to him through respect. He will be much more likely to handle temptation from a place of strength. Your respect can serve much like a vaccination in warding-off the vulnerability that accompanies a man who does not feel valued. When you reverence your husband - - that is, express to him deep respect and honor - - the “reap what you sow” principle will also activate in your favor, and over time, your husband will respond in kind. The measure of how long this turnaround takes will be in proportion to amount bitterness that you have sown into your marriage.

Taken together, the manner in which a wife talks to and about her husband, her demeanor toward him, and the manner in which she treats him will form a complete expression of her esteem (or lack thereof). Thus, a woman will demonstrate her attitude toward her husband through her words, her actions, and her body language.

Body Language

While each of these three means testify to the state of the heart (i.e. attitude), body language speaks much louder than the other two. Because it is largely involuntary, body language is often more truthful than the spoken word. It has been observed that as much as 80% of what we understand in any given conversation is read through the body, not the spoken word. Since body language will infallibly betray the attitude of her heart, it is singularly important for a wife to call upon God to help her cultivate a thankful, grateful, and humble heart. There is no other solution for altering body language than a changed heart. Pray that the Lord will give you a heart of mercy and forgiveness for your husband, so that your total being will convey the respect the Lord desires a wife to offer her husband.

Spoken Word:

Unless one partner is a sociopath of some sort, it takes two to create a bad marriage. In her book, Created to be His Help Meet, writer Debi Pearl states this truth: “Counselors agree that in all marriage conflicts, both husband and wife share the blame almost equally. A man’s guilt is usually easy to see, while a woman’s guilt may be less obvious, but it is just as destructive and just as evil.” She is referring to the female tendency to sins of the tongue. Every person (and this surely includes husbands) deserves the right to represent themselves to others, so if a reputation is to be ruined, it should be done by the individual in question - - not through the surrogacy of their spouse.

Therefore, a wife's refusal to speak ill of her husband to others is one very compelling way to express honor for him. In Proverbs 31, wherein a woman of virtue is extolled, Father has given His daughters a clear call to be a wife in whom her husband can trust. This one attribute, trustworthiness, is the first virtue mentioned by God in the passage. It is foremost in making her “more valuable than rubies” to her husband, and it begins with a wife to whom her husband can entrust his reputation. Perhaps the place this is most important is in the eyes of your children.

Sustaining your husband’s reputation by curbing any criticism before the children reveals a wisdom more rare and precious than gold. The Lord will praise the wife who does this. After children mature beyond the more nurture-needing stages of childhood that primarily involve a mother’s care, they begin to need the type of leadership and assistance that a father can bring. A wise mother has protected her husband’s reputation so the children will be open to receiving their father’s insight and direction through the coming stages of their lives.

In a marriage in which the father is the “bad actor,” it is equally important to consider that when the children are old enough to consider the claims of Christ, their mother’s gracious attitudes, words, and behavior will be hugely influential in comparison with that of their father’s. In maturity, those children will be able to see clearly what has gone down between their parents. Mom’s Lord will smell sweet to them, but Dad’s gods will repel.

Finally, the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 is one who speaks with a civil tongue: “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness,” Proverbs 31:26. Just to paraphrase this for you, Father is telling His daughters, “DON’T BE A SCOLD.” Conflicts that arise over questioning your husband’s judgment, or a failure to submit to his leadership, are huge setbacks. These events are not irreparable, but one flare of anger or one despising word will be immensely destructive to your efforts to improve your relationship and to align your marriage with a true reflection of Christ and His Bride.

Conclusion:

The Puritans called marriage “the little church within the church.” In marriage, every day you love and every day you forgive.  It is an ongoing sacrament - love and forgiveness. If, as a wife, you follow the course of respect for your husband to which the Lord has called you, you will truly be a woman who is reverencing God through your obedient actions. Don’t grow weary of doing well, and keep building your “little church” with acts of kindness, forgiveness and respect. The Lord God will bless you for your faithfulness to Him.

* I’m sure my readers understand my vague references in this paragraph. It was necessary for me to remove certain terminology and phrases to avoid being winnowed-out by filters and to prevent attracting comment from those searching specifically for those words for “other” reasons. 

EDITH SCHAEFFER

I would like to share a beautiful picture of marriage and family that Edith Schaeffer devised in the 1960’s. Her metaphor is so evocative of the reality, it has continued to bless and encourage me throughout my married life. Mrs. Schaeffer envisions marriage as a work of art, specifically a mobile - - always in motion, rarely still, changing, shifting, moved by the slightest current to reflect light or enter shadow. Like a mobile, your marriage is a different artistic expression by the moment. You, your spouse, and the Lord are the artists, collaborating together, to create this work of art, while even more wonderfully, you are the art. What could be more astonishing?

HOW SHALL WE THEN LIVE?

"How shall we then live?" is the title of a book by Dr. Francis Schaeffer, but it's an appropriate question for all Christians to ask. We were created to glorify God, so He cares ardently about our answer. His Word is full of His fatherly counsel on the subject, so I just wanted to share a few of my gleanings with my friends ~


LIVE WITH JOY:

The Lord is insistent that we live in the reality of His goodness (Deuteronomy 28:47-48). His glory is the reason we need to live a life that is undergirded by joy. To live otherwise is an insult to God.

The following are just a few of the blessings we receive from the Lord upon which we can base our joy:

• We have the pleasure of the Lord’s company at all times.

• We are at peace with Him; no need to fear His wrath in judgment.

• Any time we have need, we have access to His wisdom through the free counsel of the Holy Spirit.

• We can trust God to handle all things that happen in our lives for an ultimate good.

When we don’t live joyfully, it is open sin because a joyless life reflects ingratitude, a lack of trust, and a callous despising of the good the Lord has done for us.

To live “with joy and to serve God with a glad heart,” doesn’t mean that we aren’t going feel grief when a loved one dies, or that we aren’t allowed to feel hurt when someone doesn’t treat us kindly. Our emotions are legitimate. They are a product of the good gift of intelligence that God has given to us. We live on Earth, the fallen planet, and we experience that painful reality daily; therefore, living our lives with joy simply means we are not going to react to those feelings with the hopelessness and despair of those who don’t know Jesus.

LIVE WITH THANKFULNESS AND GRATITUDE:

If attitudes could be compared to the ingredients used in making a cake, then thankfulness would be the main ingredient in mixing-up a happiness cake. As the Word teaches us in Proverbs 23:7, “As a man thinks within himself, so shall he be,” the most effective way to increase your joy is to increase the thankfulness quotient of your thoughts. As you begin living in a state of greater gratitude, you will grow increasingly sensitized to the real presence of the Lord’s grace in your life.

Cultivating an attitude of gratefulness can be quite difficult for some people because they have spent a lifetime training themself in the opposite. We all know a few people like Eeyore, the very negative donkey from the Winnie the Pooh stories. My husband and I have one in our Growth Group right now, and though we love our Eeyore, sadly, she is never happy. Look inside yourself to see if you might be one of these people. If you are, recognize that failing to appreciate the things for which you should be thankful is sin; but don’t despair.

The Holy Spirit is the antidote for an ungrateful heart. Ask for His help when you pray. Plead with the Spirit to point out your blessings, telling Him that you desire a grateful heart, but that you have grown too dull to be able to identify them for yourself.

Becoming preoccupied with your wants, petty complaints, and minor irritations, will cause you to forget just how much happiness you already have. By focusing on your unfulfilled wants, whether of a physical or emotional nature, you will cheat yourself of the pleasures of the season that you are in.

God has given us an abundance of blessings and treasure, but it’s all too easy to brush right past these without acknowledgement. We can be a bit like children ripping through birthday presents with such greed that there is no pleasure in the gifts. Thus it is with the gift of happiness; it’s all too easy to “rip” past without noticing that you are happy, that you have what you need, you have Who you need, and that your life is good. If you live in an attitude of gratefulness, you will be less likely to: 1) misjudge your circumstances, 2) experience unpleasant envy, and 3) resent sharing.

Perhaps, the application of joyful living is most challenged in marriage. My son, Zane, a marriage and family therapist, has told me that many psychologists have come to recognize that a sense of gratitude is the magic happiness-elixir for which everyone is searching. Some researchers even suggest that gratitude might well be the antidote for falling out of love, as it somehow functions as a vaccination against infidelity and divorce.

Think about how much it means to you to be recognized for the love and care you give to your family as a spouse and parent. That’s a normal, human reaction. Despite our many gender differences, men and women are identical in this need. Receiving gratitude feels wonderful to us. Your spouse feels the very same way, so why be unkind and withhold appreciation and recognition from them? Show mercy to your mate by recognizing their good contributions to you and the family. It’s the right, God-pleasing thing to do.

When you express gratitude and appreciation for your husband or wife, do it out loud in front of the children. You will be doing what is right, and you will be role-modeling the way loving people behave toward each other. If you are a parent with an ungrateful heart, you will be teaching your children to be ungrateful people, and therefore, you will be signing them up for an unhappy, discontented future of their own.

A parent who lives with a thankful spirit will also be teaching their children good manners because ungratefulness is essentially very rude and boorish behavior. We know the ancients recognized the correlation between "gratitude" and "grace" because they share a common Latin origin, gratus. Gratus means "pleasant", a key ingredient in good manners. Never forget that your children are training for life under you. For better or worse, they are your little apprentices, and what they see in you, they will soon be reenact.

LIVE IN CONTENTMENT:

We glorify God with our contentment!

Pastor John MacArthur has explained this better than anyone I have ever heard, so I copied it down to share with you. When I first heard this message in 1981, he was teaching about the broader subject of worship and explaining how contentment is a big part of what constitutes true worship. His explanation revolutionized my thinking, and therefore my living, my concept of worship, and my prayer life. I close by offering this quote from his teaching:

“Who made you the way you are minus your sin? God did, right? So you should be content with yourself. Who put you in the situation you're in? And all of its circumstances apart from the sin in it. God did. You are what you are, where you are, because God put you there. If you're content, then, you're acknowledging God's sovereignty in your life. That gives Him glory. If you're discontent, malcontent, your real gripe is with God's wisdom. Got that? And if you sit in it, in a state of discontent, you are, in effect, blaming God. And you are questioning God's permission, which allowed that thing to happen. Contentment acknowledges God's sovereignty, and God, therefore, is glorified.

Discontent, beloved, is sin, because it robs God of glory. There is nothing, I think nothing more subtle sometimes than...than the sneaking, kind of growing vine of discontent. A discontented Christian, I don't care if you're discontent over your home, over your job, over your location, over your husband, over your kids, over whatever, a discontent Christian is a terrible advertisement for the sovereignty of God. You see? What kind of a God do we have? Can you really trust Him? Do you know that He put you where He put you and expects you to be content? Beloved, glorifying God means that you praise Him with a full heart in absolute contentment knowing that your lot is God's plan for you now, and accepting it with contentment gives Him glory.”

RESTORING A FALLEN BELIEVER

The purpose of church restoration is the spiritual healing of a fallen member and the consequent strengthening of the church and glorifying of the Lord. When a sinning believer is rebuked and turns from his sin and is forgiven, he is won back to fellowship with the body and with its head, Jesus Christ. 

In His own words, here is the Lord’s perspective and instruction to the Church on these occasions:

1. The seriousness of sin:

1 Corinthians 6:12-19  All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything. Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but God will do away with both of them. Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body. Now God has not only raised the Lord, but will also raise us up through His power. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “The two shall become one flesh.” But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

2. The immense worth of the repentant sinner:

Luke 15:4-7  “What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open pasture and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? When he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.

3. The vital ministry of restoration:

Galatians 6:1-2  Brethren, if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

4. The need to forgive completely:

Matt. 6:14  For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will forgive you too; but if you do not forgive people, neither will your heavenly Father forgive your trespasses.

We forgive the repentant one with our hearts and restore them to fellowship when they repent. The word restore means to repair something, or bring it back to its original condition; therefore, we are to begin a whole process of relational rebuilding that helps put the life of the repentant sinner back on the walk with the Spirit that they had before they sinned. The process is to hold them up and build them up with love, forgiveness, and a humble heart, realizing that we fall, too, because we’re not exempt from the weaknesses of the flesh. Spiritual pride and vainglory have no place among Believers, as there is not one of us that is better than another.

TRUSTING IN THE LORD

Ever heard the ironic statement, “Be careful what you wish for, you might get it?”

Of course, the irony doesn’t lie in the possibility that we might get those things for which we are wishing; it lies in the fact that humans have so little capacity to know what’s good for them. We are just too limited in our self-knowledge to know what we should desire and what will actually be needful. While there are numerous factors contributing to this lack, there are several that deserve extra consideration:

A DARK HEART

One major contributor to our appalling lack of self-knowledge can be found in the Book of Jeremiah, which offers us an interesting insight into why we are so blind to what might truly be in our best interest. (Jeremiah 17:9 (The heart is deceitful above all things. . .”.) It is certain that the primary person the human heart “deceives” above all others is its own self. We listen to our heart, but it does not speak truth to us. The human heart is impure because pride, fear, and avarice are its advisors. Only the Lord God knows and speaks truth.

EXISTENCE IN TIME

Our human judgment is also impeded by the nature of our existence in time. We dwell within the dimension of time because it is the milieu in which we were created. Both past and future are ephemeral representations that only have being in the memories and imaginings of our brain. They have no existence in the present moment, wherein we must always exist; therefore, we have no ability alter what has happened in the past and, despite our many machinations, we have only a minuscule ability to impact what will happen in times to come.

Because we cannot know the future and can only rely upon the unsure application of knowledge garnered from past, we are not qualified to know what will be necessary or best for us when future finally becomes present. With such limitations, one has to marvel as humanity stubbornly persists in the urgent push to satisfy its wants, and as it insistently pursues ill-advised dreams whose fulfillment could well turn out to be terribly distressing. It is indeed ironic that people continue to make “wishes” at all, and it is no wonder that the wisdom of the Word is continually urging us not to spend our energies projecting outcomes.

God specifically tells His people not to attempt to foresee the future, on pain of death, and the only reason He offers is, “I am to the Lord your God.”

Leviticus 19:31 - Do not turn to mediums or seek out spiritists, for you will be defiled by them. I am the LORD your God.

I believe the Lord has purposely kept His explanation simple, even a little cryptic, because He wants us to consider it closely. He seems to be leading us toward a little exercise in compare-and-contrast between the reality of His power and our own limitations that might go something like this:

God is all-powerful. Am I?

God is omnipresent. Am I?

God is infinite. Am I?

God is completely trustworthy. Am I?

God is Sovereign over all times, places, and beings. Am I?

God is unlimited in His lovingkindness. Am I?

Even the quickest run through such a comparison clearly proves that God is all the sufficiency we need for our future. A person would have to be a great fool trust in themselves rather than in God; particularly since the Lord has demonstrated His immense goodwill toward us by sending His Son for our rescue. Jesus testifies to this truth:

John 14:1: Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.

John 14:27: I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

Let’s worship the Lord by beginning this newest year by laying aside all stress and worry, and purposing to live every day with a calm spirit and a contented trust in our Lord. Contentment and trust, offerings born of the faith He has given to us, are the true worship He seeks.

PREPARING YOUR HEART TO SEEK GOD

Within the Book of II Chronicles, the rule of each king is assessed and correlated with his faithfulness to the Lord. As we can see in the two verses below, the character of their deeds were inevitably tied to the degree of heart preparation each king made to seek after the Lord.

2 Chronicles 12:14  And he did evil, because he did not prepare his heart to seek the LORD.

2 Chronicles 31:20-21  Thus Hezekiah . . . did what was good, right, and true before the LORD his God. Every work he began in the service of the house of God in law and in commandment, seeking his God, he did with all his heart and prospered.

In a previous post on bitterness, it was noted that God desires us to destroy the weeds spoiling the “garden” of our heart. If you also consider Jesus’ parable of the sower in Matthew 13, you will find that it is also extremely important that we prepare the soil of our heart-garden. These garden metaphors are so apt that I would like to continue their usage to explore the means through which God desires us to produce a bumper crop of spiritual fruit (Galatians 5:22-23). The following study of preparing your heart for God will be compared to the preparation of soil to produce a good crop.

Prepare the Soil of Your Heart

1. We are to adopt Christ’s attitude of submission to the will of the Father.

Phillipians 2:5  Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus.

2. We are to rigorously train ourselves not to be influenced by human wisdom or the common culture that surrounds us, but to sift everything through the sieve of His Word to see if it is good and to caste away anything that doesn’t align.

Romans 12:2  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

3. We are to fertilize our hearts by absorbing His words as revealed in the Bible, and by working them so deeply into our souls that they become part of us. His thoughts are the needed nutrients that will produce an abundant crop of superior quality fruit.

Joshua 1:8  This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.

Psalm 119:15  I will meditate on Your precepts and regard Your ways.

To expand the fertilization concept of number 3 (above), here are some simple steps for the "fertilization" process:

Fertilize for Abundant Spiritual Growth

1) Read the Word daily. God wants to be in continual conversation with us just as He walked and talked with Adam in the garden each day. Please realize that the Lord's recorded word in the Bible is the Lord’s side of the conversation. This is the way God talks to us. Put simply, prayer is you talking to God; reading the Word is God talking to you.

Which side of the conversation do you think might be the most important, God’s words, or our words? Make no mistake, the Lord wants us to talk to Him - He made us to fellowship with Him - but He decidedly wants to be the conversation leader.

2) Ask Father for greater faith to believe His message. Faith is a gift, and our Creator well knows that receiving gifts is our special “love language.” We love to be blessed and gifted, and our Father loves to give gifts! He will gladly give you more faith.

Ephesians 2:8  For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God.

3) Practice trusting God for everything, particularly the future. Don’t project outcomes for your life.

4) Be humbly aware that you are a created being, a creature. Humanity is not the star of the show; God is. The Lord cares deeply about us, but this love exists within the larger context of the reason for our creation. We were made to glorify our Creator; unfortunately, humanity often gets this reversed.

OBLIGATO: WEDDING VOWS

Given the high divorce rate in many countries, do you ever wonder if the wedding vows actually signify any real obligation to the marrying couple? And if they do, why is it that these promises are so casually ignored rather than performed? 

A vow is an oath which formalizes a transaction between God and man. Vows are not commanded, by God. In fact, He frequently counsels against them; but once they are made, they are binding. (Deut. 23:21-23; Eccl. 5:4)  Most couples marrying in the United States repeat vows similar to these:

Groom:

I, _________, take you, __________, to be my wedded wife. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Bride:

I, __________, take you, _________, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

The vows above are the very ones I made when I married my husband, Steve, except mine also included a promise to obey my husband. Sadly, I have not kept those promises with consistency - particularly “to love” at all times and certainly that little part about obedience. It was a temptation for me to obscure my failures here with language like, “I haven’t kept my vows perfectly,” but since just one failure in the fulfillment equals a broken vow, I must confess that my mine have not been fulfilled as I promised on that November evening in 1970. And true to the “reap-what-you-sow” principle, though forgiven by God and my husband, I have reaped on my failures.

If this “reaping” was limited to simple guilt and a few ancillary consequences, a compromised marriage vow might not be that consequential. Yet, the Lord views our vows with great seriousness and does not dismiss them just because we somehow don’t manage to fulfill them. It is for this reason that we need to view our pledges with much greater respect and gravity than we do.

I’d like to take you on a little side trip through the Bible to explore God’s perspective on vows and to define them more clearly. Interestingly, the Bible indicates that there are five significant requirements for a vow made before the Lord.

1. & 2. A vow must be made voluntarily and verbally.

Deut. 23:23

You shall be careful to perform what goes out from your lips, just as you have voluntarily vowed to the LORD your God, what you have promised.

3. A vow must be performed.

Numbers 30:1-2

Then Moses spoke to the heads of the tribes of the sons of Israel, saying, “This is the word which the LORD has commanded. If a man makes a vow to the LORD, or takes an oath to bind himself with a binding obligation, he shall not violate his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth."

Ecclesiastes 5:4-5

When you make a vow to God, do not be late in paying it; for He takes no delight in fools. Pay what you vow! It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay.

Matthew 5:33

“Again, you have heard that the ancients were told, ‘ YOU SHALL NOT MAKE FALSE VOWS, BUT SHALL FULFILL YOUR VOWS TO THE LORD.’

4. A vow must be performed without delay.

Deuteronomy 23:21

When you make a vow to the LORD your God, you shall not delay to pay it, for it would be sin in you, and the LORD your God will surely require it of you.

5. “Perfect” fulfillment is required in fulfilling a vow.

Leviticus 22:23

In respect to an ox or a lamb which has an imperfect or stunted limb, you may present it for a freewill offering, but for a vow it will not be accepted.

Malachi 1:14

But cursed be the swindler who has a male in his flock and vows it, but sacrifices a blemished animal to the Lord, "For I am a great King,” says the LORD of hosts, “and My name is feared among the nations.”

In the spirit of personal transparency, I will disclose my marriage vow scores to you:

1. Voluntary?  A+

2. Oral?  A+

3. Performed faithfully?  C (Mediocre performance.)

4. Performed promptly?  F (If one day is as 1,000 years in the sight of the Lord, I’m tardy.)

5. Performed perfectly?  F (Epic fail.)

It’s obvious that I must plead the blood of Jesus, to whom I am profoundly thankful.

Now, let’s examine two particularly interesting scriptures that are specific to vows that may be undertaken by a woman or a girl.

On the evening I married, just before entering the church to repeat my marriage vows before God and witnesses, my father did something surprising. He leaned over and said quietly, “If you have any doubts, just say the word and we can leave together right now. My car is just outside.” (Below is a picture of us taken just after that very moment over 40 years ago.) He loved and respected my Steve, but he was ready to protect me from any ill-considered pledge I may have made. Unbeknownst to him (since he wasn't a believer at the time), he was being an excellent and Biblical father when he made this comment. Notice the provision the Lord has made for the vows of a daughter:

NUMBERS 30:3-5

“Also if a woman makes a vow to the LORD, and binds herself by an obligation in her father’s house in her youth,

4 and her father hears her vow and her obligation by which she has bound herself, and her father says nothing to her, then all her vows shall stand and every obligation by which she has bound herself shall stand. 5 But if her father should forbid her on the day he hears of it, none of her vows or her obligations by which she has bound herself shall stand; and the LORD will forgive her because her father had forbidden her.

The verses above reflect a practical, caring Father-God. Within them, He provides needed oversight and guidance to the inexperienced young female deriving from a source that will be naturally protective, caring, and more mature - her own father. But, let’s read on.

NUMBERS 30:6-14

6 However, if she should marry while under her vows or the rash statement of her lips by which she has bound herself, 7 and her husband hears of it and says nothing to her on the day he hears it, then her vows shall stand and her obligations by which she has bound herself shall stand. 8 But if on the day her husband hears of it, he forbids her, then he shall annul her vow which she is under and the rash statement of her lips by which she has bound herself; and the LORD will forgive her. 10 However, if she vowed in her husband’s house, or bound herself by an obligation with an oath, 11 and her husband heard it, but said nothing to her and did not forbid her, then all her vows shall stand and every obligation by which she bound herself shall stand. 12 But if her husband indeed annuls them on the day he hears them, then whatever proceeds out of her lips concerning her vows or concerning the obligation of herself shall not stand; her husband has annulled them, and the LORD will forgive her. 13 Every vow and every binding oath to humble herself, her husband may confirm it or her husband may annul it. 14 But if her husband indeed says nothing to her from day to day, then he confirms all her vows, or all her obligations, which are on her; he has confirmed them, because he said nothing to her on the day he heard them.

These verses describe various situations wherein a woman’s husband is to now function in the same protecting role as her father concerning any vows taken by his wife. It is interesting to note that scripture knows no point in a woman’s life wherein is she to be without the protection and guidance of a male-guardian.

I understand that the nature of this type of male oversight might rankle the autonomous spirit of modern woman (including that of many Christian women) because of its paternalistic overtones; but from Sarah calling Abraham her lord in an acknowledgment of his authority over her life, to Ruth covering her feet with Boaz’ cloak in a symbolic gesture of her desire for his protection, to the material support given by the elders to the enrolled widows of the church, the Bible demonstrates the manner in which God has taken pains to make protective provision for His daughters. It is clear that the Lord wants fathers and husbands to use responsible wisdom in the oversight and care of their women. It is, therefore, their solemn duty to monitor the wisdom of their wive's and daughter's vows as part of a general system of provision and protection which the Lord has ordained for the benefit of women.